My Decision to Start Smoking Pot

Before I start, you should all know that I'm stoned as I write this, so you'll be asked to excuse any misspellings, random punctuation marks and/or tangents, stories that go nowhere, etc....

I started smoking weed at the ripe old age of 32. I was always one of those die-hard ex-cops that was like, "It's a gateway drug, it's STILL illegal, etc"...I didn't do anything but drink for 32 years. I am a former police officer, recipient of 3 (and half of my MS) degrees, and a combat veteran.

So, my decision to take a hit off the little sneakpipe came at a point in my life where I thought, "hey, I've done a lot of shit in my life...why not take a break and try it out?"...I had a bunch of stoner friends and fraternity brothers in college, and they came out ok, if not a little chubbier from all the Twinkies.

I was still a little apprehensive at first, not wanting to turn into a couch potato that watches the Wiggles and Dora the Explorer all day, while munching Ramen, cheetos, your girlfriend's organic, colon-cleansing peanut butter, and maybe some impromptu s'mores that you made out of a Ritz cracker, half a Hershey's miniature, and 6 marshmallows from the hot chocolate packets....(and I would so make that right now if I had any of it in the house other than the Ramen.)

So I take the hit, and I feel.......nothing. Ok....awesome, I guess.... I try again...nothing. This is fucking super! 3rd hit....now, I'm not really sure what the other hits were doing before this point...but I think they decided to check out my lungs and brain, too. Ok....now I'm stoned...and I can't stop talking. I have no fucking idea what I was talking about, but I made and re-made my point for a good 45 minutes. Whatever...I can live with that side-effect.

So, now I smoke what you might call "regularly"... In the long run, it's cheaper than alcohol, and I don't wake up with a headache the size of Jennifer Love Hewitt's ass, or feel like I puked up my soul. It keeps me calm, because I'm a pretty angry person. I don't get violent anymore, unless I have to. It also (and this is the main reason for my regular usage...ummm...yea) relieves me of the pain of the torn labrum, bicep, and rotator cuff in my right shoulder and arm.

I just downloaded this app for my ipod (because I'm apparently gay and download apps) that measures how analytical your mind is and how fast it processes. It's a series of tests with a score at the end. Well, I'm not really sure if this is a good thing or not...but I have a "scholar" brain when I'm high. So for any of you people who have seen me stoned that think I'm losing braincells...eat a dick. I'm still smarter than you...I just might sound like a retard.

Where has my decision left me? I'd say I'm pretty stoked. I get so much enjoyment out of stupid things now...it's absolutely ridiculous. I got stoned the other day, and watched my cookies bake. I mean really...come on. Then I made butterscotch...with REAL scotch. Then I watched videos on Youtube of people falling down and hurting themselves...silly skateboarders and Parkour...doers.

I'm not going to launch into some legalization diatribe, because, well...it would be awesome, but I honestly don't see it ever happening....at least, not in my lifetime.

UPDATE:::::::

I figured out today that I'm a stoner. No, I don't dress in hemp clothes and sell Jarrod Garcia's (He's a Mexican guy that lives in my building and smokes cigars) ashes. And yes, I do in fact, have a job and am a generally productive member of society.

Coming home early on Fridays has it's perks. Perk #1: I am free to sit on my ass, playing Call of Duty without interruptions or worrying whether or not my girlfriend is getting pissed because she wants to watch The Real Housewives of Wherever the Fuck They're Finding Spoiled Whores With Waaaaaay Too Much Cosmetic Surgery. Perk #2: Hey, I got a new bong.

Anyway...I'm straightening up the living room, then going to clean the God-awful mess I make of a toilet within 5 days. Meanwhile, I'm getting texts from my girlfriend and a friend of ours who is supposed to come over tonight. Now, when I'm baked, I have trouble focusing on more than one thing...especially if the weed is REALLY good. So, needless to say, I'm getting a bit perturbed with the constant interruptions. I get to cleaning the toilet, and I hear a noise that sounds like my phone (on vibrate) rattling against the table. So, I pick up the phone....no message, text, or missed call....no, it's 4:20.

Stoners who celebrate 4:20 daily, or make a holiday of April 20th...you guys need to get a haircut and job. I'll smoke if I have a lot of available time, and don't have to drive a car or interact with a shitload of strangers.

I was making a point, wasn't I?...oh yea, so I guess I'm a minor pothead.

Example of my inability to focus: Writing the last 2 paragraphs of this blog, all I kept thinking was "dude, my iPod is on crack", after listening to it shuffle from Tim McGraw/Faith Hill, to Boston hardcore hxc, to Black Label Society, to Nina Simone.