Really?

Whomever coined the term "fun-running" should be shot. Running isn't fun. Nothing makes it fun. There are things that make it tolerable....but fun?...I don't fuckin think so. After about 4 and a half seconds of running, it ceases to be anything remotely associated with the term "fun". So what jackass decided he was going to spend his morning rapidly putting one foot in front of the other for as long as he can stand it? "Hey, it's 6am....you know what would be super right now?...not being able to breathe, ruining my ankles, shins, and knees, while I dodge traffic....yea, that sounds amazing. I think I'll do that."

My Decision to Start Smoking Pot

Before I start, you should all know that I'm stoned as I write this, so you'll be asked to excuse any misspellings, random punctuation marks and/or tangents, stories that go nowhere, etc....

I started smoking weed at the ripe old age of 32. I was always one of those die-hard ex-cops that was like, "It's a gateway drug, it's STILL illegal, etc"...I didn't do anything but drink for 32 years. I am a former police officer, recipient of 3 (and half of my MS) degrees, and a combat veteran.

So, my decision to take a hit off the little sneakpipe came at a point in my life where I thought, "hey, I've done a lot of shit in my life...why not take a break and try it out?"...I had a bunch of stoner friends and fraternity brothers in college, and they came out ok, if not a little chubbier from all the Twinkies.

I was still a little apprehensive at first, not wanting to turn into a couch potato that watches the Wiggles and Dora the Explorer all day, while munching Ramen, cheetos, your girlfriend's organic, colon-cleansing peanut butter, and maybe some impromptu s'mores that you made out of a Ritz cracker, half a Hershey's miniature, and 6 marshmallows from the hot chocolate packets....(and I would so make that right now if I had any of it in the house other than the Ramen.)

So I take the hit, and I feel.......nothing. Ok....awesome, I guess.... I try again...nothing. This is fucking super! 3rd hit....now, I'm not really sure what the other hits were doing before this point...but I think they decided to check out my lungs and brain, too. Ok....now I'm stoned...and I can't stop talking. I have no fucking idea what I was talking about, but I made and re-made my point for a good 45 minutes. Whatever...I can live with that side-effect.

So, now I smoke what you might call "regularly"... In the long run, it's cheaper than alcohol, and I don't wake up with a headache the size of Jennifer Love Hewitt's ass, or feel like I puked up my soul. It keeps me calm, because I'm a pretty angry person. I don't get violent anymore, unless I have to. It also (and this is the main reason for my regular usage...ummm...yea) relieves me of the pain of the torn labrum, bicep, and rotator cuff in my right shoulder and arm.

I just downloaded this app for my ipod (because I'm apparently gay and download apps) that measures how analytical your mind is and how fast it processes. It's a series of tests with a score at the end. Well, I'm not really sure if this is a good thing or not...but I have a "scholar" brain when I'm high. So for any of you people who have seen me stoned that think I'm losing braincells...eat a dick. I'm still smarter than you...I just might sound like a retard.

Where has my decision left me? I'd say I'm pretty stoked. I get so much enjoyment out of stupid things now...it's absolutely ridiculous. I got stoned the other day, and watched my cookies bake. I mean really...come on. Then I made butterscotch...with REAL scotch. Then I watched videos on Youtube of people falling down and hurting themselves...silly skateboarders and Parkour...doers.

I'm not going to launch into some legalization diatribe, because, well...it would be awesome, but I honestly don't see it ever happening....at least, not in my lifetime.

UPDATE:::::::

I figured out today that I'm a stoner. No, I don't dress in hemp clothes and sell Jarrod Garcia's (He's a Mexican guy that lives in my building and smokes cigars) ashes. And yes, I do in fact, have a job and am a generally productive member of society.

Coming home early on Fridays has it's perks. Perk #1: I am free to sit on my ass, playing Call of Duty without interruptions or worrying whether or not my girlfriend is getting pissed because she wants to watch The Real Housewives of Wherever the Fuck They're Finding Spoiled Whores With Waaaaaay Too Much Cosmetic Surgery. Perk #2: Hey, I got a new bong.

Anyway...I'm straightening up the living room, then going to clean the God-awful mess I make of a toilet within 5 days. Meanwhile, I'm getting texts from my girlfriend and a friend of ours who is supposed to come over tonight. Now, when I'm baked, I have trouble focusing on more than one thing...especially if the weed is REALLY good. So, needless to say, I'm getting a bit perturbed with the constant interruptions. I get to cleaning the toilet, and I hear a noise that sounds like my phone (on vibrate) rattling against the table. So, I pick up the phone....no message, text, or missed call....no, it's 4:20.

Stoners who celebrate 4:20 daily, or make a holiday of April 20th...you guys need to get a haircut and job. I'll smoke if I have a lot of available time, and don't have to drive a car or interact with a shitload of strangers.

I was making a point, wasn't I?...oh yea, so I guess I'm a minor pothead.

Example of my inability to focus: Writing the last 2 paragraphs of this blog, all I kept thinking was "dude, my iPod is on crack", after listening to it shuffle from Tim McGraw/Faith Hill, to Boston hardcore hxc, to Black Label Society, to Nina Simone.

The decline in the attitude of mixed martial artists

I'm a HUGE fan of MMA. Wait, scratch that...I'm a huge fan of UFC and Pride. The smaller shows can suck my cock. The caliber of fighters just isn't the same. And yes, I actually speak from experience, having fought in some of the smaller shows. I'm a good fighter, but I'm also creeping up in age...so rather than get my ass kicked by some 18-year old prodigy, I choose to sit on the sidelines and heckle, much the same as any MMA announcer.

I've been watching UFC from the beginning, having seen the original tournaments that put sumo wrestlers in with kung fu stylists, even though the weight differences were astounding. I remember hating Ken Shamrock from the start, and hating Tito Ortiz since before he started going out with Jenna. (not to get sidetracked, but I also remember Jenna looking like a girl, and not like Donald Duck)

I religiously watch The Ultimate Fighter, and it's a little disheartening to see all of these new kids be all fuckin obnoxious and mouthy. As an old-schooler, I have some advice...shut the fuck up. Try to at least be a little humble. If not to show respect, then do it because you'll look like a lot less of an ass when the guy across the ring knocks your fuckin head around with an overhand right that breaks your jaw.

Now we have douchebags like Junie Browning who was stellar in the preliminary rounds of TUF, and then rapidly deteriorated into a drunken retard who threw like 5 punches a round that connected with nothing but oxygen. We have Nate Diaz, who is actually a really talented fighter, but insists on talking and acting like he's from Compton. Seriously, dude...shut your fucking mouth. Matt Hughes, who thought he was invincible, and then managed to get knocked the fuck out like it was his job. Diego Sanchez, who talks shit about everyone, and then got manhandled by Josh Koscheck.

The one shit-talking exception I have is Brock Lesnar, simply because he's an enormous, ridiculous monster. He can say whatever the fuck he wants, and I'll still watch him, simply because he's huge, and mean.

There are some exceptional fighters that are still pretty humble, and respectful of their peers...Forrest Griffin, Randy Couture, George St. Pierre, Rich Franklin, etc, but they are becoming fewer and farther between. It's also noteworthy that these guys have been around for a while, and are a little older.

I'm sure that a lot of the trash-talk and shitty attitudes are meant to bring more drama to TV, but seriously? These guys are supposed to be professionals...not WWE wrestlers with a backstory. Next thing you know, Vince McMahon is going to come into the Octagon and hit Dana White over the head with a folding chair. Are we going to be subjected to ladder matches, and tag teams? I implore Dana White, the Fertitas, and Zuffa to keep MMA what it should rightfully be....MMA

Reality TV is like...SO real...for sure

Everyone has their vices. My vices...comfort food, collecting DVDs, playing Call of Duty, drinking beer, occasionally inhaling, and the abysmal hell of reality TV.

I remember the good old days of Survivor, with the former SEAL, truck-driving man-chick, and naked homo. Who would have thought that that show would open the floodgates to everything morally wrong with TV? No, I'm not even close to getting on a soapbox and preaching morality, since, as you can see from my vices, I'm not exactly a pillar of self-restraint. But, let's delve into some of the shows that I absolutely detest, yet, week after week, I find myself inexplicably drawn to.

1. Any "talent" show where "America" (aka every 12-16 year old with a cell phone and remote control) decides who wins....I'm not gonna lie, I was EC-FUCKING-STATIC when Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol. Not to say that the other kid was phenomenal, but I absolutely loathe Lambert. He's got a fucking girl's haircut! And the only reason why he can hold those high notes for waaaayyyyy too long is because his dad was never man enough to go knock the dick out of his kid's mouth. Anyway...all of those shows are a complete sham, because when you rely on 12 year olds to pick who gets a contract, you are inevitably going to get someone who suh-uh-uh-uh-ucks. And they will never be the most talented one in the group.

2. Any "Of Love" show...I have never seen so many people completely incapable of rational or intelligent thought. I used to work in group homes for the Association for Retarded Citizens, and I'm near-positive that any contestant on the "of Love" shows would have been given a bed in one of the homes with no questions asked. The girls are all vapid, disgusting, vile whores who possess neither the talent, nor the intellect, to make it in polite society. And the guys....holy shit. Who can say "steroids?" You can? Ok, who can say "Illiterate?" Good job. Who can say "4th grade education?"....And inevitably, the contestant I hate most ends up winning.

3. Cribs...have you ever wanted to get REALLY angry in 30 minutes? Well, then I invite you to turn on MTV, and watch some spoiled retard like Aaron Carter, Lil Bow Wow, or a Jonas Brother (I make absolutely no attempt to remember any of their individual names) slide down a fire-pole into their "game room" that has a 2000-inch plasma, sauna and leather movie chairs, before they walk past a fridge full of Cristal, and 3 pink Bentleys in the garage. Meanwhile, I sit on my couch in my apartment, eating pizza rolls and drinking Budweiser, browsing craigslist for non-existent jobs.

4. Dog, The Bounty Hunter...first things first...Duane Chapman, aka Dog, went to prison for manslaughter. Now, he has mobilized his family and half of his trailer-park into an "elite" squad of bounty hunters. Next time I'm in Hawaii, I'm robbing a 7-11 just to watch Dog and all of the fringe on his vest come-a-chasin me. I'd also like to fight his sons, just so I can yank that one kid's ponytail and punch him in the face while he tries to get the fire extinguisher can of Mace off of his belt.

Now, let's get to some of the better reality shows...

1. Hell's Kitchen...dude, I love Gordon Ramsey. Actually, I love anyone who belittles, berates, and basically tortures idiots. What makes these people think that their "career" as head chef (bwa-ha-ha) at a children's day camp is going to prepare them for a fine-dining restaurant. Your job consists of cutting up hot dogs to mix in with Kraft Mac-n-Cheese. That's a far cry from Beef Wellington with foie gras, and wild mushroom risotto.

2. Solitary...I don't think many people have seen this one, and that's a shame. 12 people are locked in a tiny "pod", and they are deprived of food, sleep, outside contact, and entertainment, except in small increments. During this time, they are subjected to various "treatments" that range from the banal memorization, to eating their favorite meals (which have all been thrown into a blender), to excruciating physical endurance tests that leave them screaming in pain, until they quit. It's probably just my fascination with watching people suffer, but that is a definite favorite.

Hmmm...I thought for sure there would be more that I enjoyed watching, but as I sit here, thinking about it, I've come to the realization that my enjoyment really comes from torturing myself by sitting through these various forays into retardation.

7 Reasons to Hate Michael Jackson

I found myself wondering how many people have blogged on this exact subject, and then I realized that "hey, I actually don't fucking care." I've purposefully held off on writing anything about Michael Jackson for the sheer fact that so many people in the world have been clogging up Google with various searches, blogs, tributes (I actually don't think I've ever gagged harder), etc.

OK...#1. Sure, I guess you could have called him a talented musician...he even proclaimed himself the "King of Pedophilia....errrr, I mean Pop." Now, when exactly was the last time he released an album?

#2. He was broke, huh? Who honestly believes that? You kind of have to have a little cash lying around if you've got like 30 doctors on your payroll, filling prescriptions for every pill in the known world.

#3. His home...are you completely f-ing serious? I guarantee if your creepy old Uncle Henry with the wandering eye, and the even wandering-er hands bought a ranch, decorated it with the Elephant Man's rotten corpse, ferris wheels, monkeys, and golf carts made to look like the Batmobile, your parents would never have you let you set foot on it. Not to mention that he named it Neverland. Now, in case you lived in a box with no electricity or running water, you'll recognize that name from Peter Pan (the child abductor who never grows up, who also just happens to have his own fairy). Hell, I could go to the West Village and find that exact same guy.

#4. Allegations of child molestation. The next person that says "Well, it's because he's rich and everyone wanted to sue him", I might just punch you directly in the face. NO ONE is prosecuted or accused THAT many times without some semblance of truth to the allegations. Every lie is 80% truth. So, even if people were making it up, I'm pretty certain that MJ "Beat It" all over some 9 year old's back at least 1000 times in his life.

#5. Who the motherfuck does that to their face? Seriously. I don't know what bothers me more...the nose that ceased to be a nose sometime around 1986, or the cleft in the chin. You honestly spent money to make your chin look like John Travolta. (pssssttt....that's not an attractive look)

#6. His kids. Family Services needs to scoop those kids up and run like hell to get them away from anyone with the last name "Jackson"....Janet Jackson, "Rampage" Jackson, Randy Jackson, Action Jackson...

#7. His SuperFans. You people are cuh-ray-zee. I never got why people cried over the deaths of celebrities. Is your life honestly THAT meaningless? Now, I felt bad when Paul Newman, Farrah Fawcett, Walter Cronkite, etc died, but I didn't go hold their picture up in the street, and bawl like a 5-year-old who just dropped his ice cream in a pile of dog shit.