7 Reasons to Hate Michael Jackson

I found myself wondering how many people have blogged on this exact subject, and then I realized that "hey, I actually don't fucking care." I've purposefully held off on writing anything about Michael Jackson for the sheer fact that so many people in the world have been clogging up Google with various searches, blogs, tributes (I actually don't think I've ever gagged harder), etc.

OK...#1. Sure, I guess you could have called him a talented musician...he even proclaimed himself the "King of Pedophilia....errrr, I mean Pop." Now, when exactly was the last time he released an album?

#2. He was broke, huh? Who honestly believes that? You kind of have to have a little cash lying around if you've got like 30 doctors on your payroll, filling prescriptions for every pill in the known world.

#3. His home...are you completely f-ing serious? I guarantee if your creepy old Uncle Henry with the wandering eye, and the even wandering-er hands bought a ranch, decorated it with the Elephant Man's rotten corpse, ferris wheels, monkeys, and golf carts made to look like the Batmobile, your parents would never have you let you set foot on it. Not to mention that he named it Neverland. Now, in case you lived in a box with no electricity or running water, you'll recognize that name from Peter Pan (the child abductor who never grows up, who also just happens to have his own fairy). Hell, I could go to the West Village and find that exact same guy.

#4. Allegations of child molestation. The next person that says "Well, it's because he's rich and everyone wanted to sue him", I might just punch you directly in the face. NO ONE is prosecuted or accused THAT many times without some semblance of truth to the allegations. Every lie is 80% truth. So, even if people were making it up, I'm pretty certain that MJ "Beat It" all over some 9 year old's back at least 1000 times in his life.

#5. Who the motherfuck does that to their face? Seriously. I don't know what bothers me more...the nose that ceased to be a nose sometime around 1986, or the cleft in the chin. You honestly spent money to make your chin look like John Travolta. (pssssttt....that's not an attractive look)

#6. His kids. Family Services needs to scoop those kids up and run like hell to get them away from anyone with the last name "Jackson"....Janet Jackson, "Rampage" Jackson, Randy Jackson, Action Jackson...

#7. His SuperFans. You people are cuh-ray-zee. I never got why people cried over the deaths of celebrities. Is your life honestly THAT meaningless? Now, I felt bad when Paul Newman, Farrah Fawcett, Walter Cronkite, etc died, but I didn't go hold their picture up in the street, and bawl like a 5-year-old who just dropped his ice cream in a pile of dog shit.