Reality TV is like...SO real...for sure

Everyone has their vices. My vices...comfort food, collecting DVDs, playing Call of Duty, drinking beer, occasionally inhaling, and the abysmal hell of reality TV.

I remember the good old days of Survivor, with the former SEAL, truck-driving man-chick, and naked homo. Who would have thought that that show would open the floodgates to everything morally wrong with TV? No, I'm not even close to getting on a soapbox and preaching morality, since, as you can see from my vices, I'm not exactly a pillar of self-restraint. But, let's delve into some of the shows that I absolutely detest, yet, week after week, I find myself inexplicably drawn to.

1. Any "talent" show where "America" (aka every 12-16 year old with a cell phone and remote control) decides who wins....I'm not gonna lie, I was EC-FUCKING-STATIC when Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol. Not to say that the other kid was phenomenal, but I absolutely loathe Lambert. He's got a fucking girl's haircut! And the only reason why he can hold those high notes for waaaayyyyy too long is because his dad was never man enough to go knock the dick out of his kid's mouth. Anyway...all of those shows are a complete sham, because when you rely on 12 year olds to pick who gets a contract, you are inevitably going to get someone who suh-uh-uh-uh-ucks. And they will never be the most talented one in the group.

2. Any "Of Love" show...I have never seen so many people completely incapable of rational or intelligent thought. I used to work in group homes for the Association for Retarded Citizens, and I'm near-positive that any contestant on the "of Love" shows would have been given a bed in one of the homes with no questions asked. The girls are all vapid, disgusting, vile whores who possess neither the talent, nor the intellect, to make it in polite society. And the guys....holy shit. Who can say "steroids?" You can? Ok, who can say "Illiterate?" Good job. Who can say "4th grade education?"....And inevitably, the contestant I hate most ends up winning.

3. Cribs...have you ever wanted to get REALLY angry in 30 minutes? Well, then I invite you to turn on MTV, and watch some spoiled retard like Aaron Carter, Lil Bow Wow, or a Jonas Brother (I make absolutely no attempt to remember any of their individual names) slide down a fire-pole into their "game room" that has a 2000-inch plasma, sauna and leather movie chairs, before they walk past a fridge full of Cristal, and 3 pink Bentleys in the garage. Meanwhile, I sit on my couch in my apartment, eating pizza rolls and drinking Budweiser, browsing craigslist for non-existent jobs.

4. Dog, The Bounty Hunter...first things first...Duane Chapman, aka Dog, went to prison for manslaughter. Now, he has mobilized his family and half of his trailer-park into an "elite" squad of bounty hunters. Next time I'm in Hawaii, I'm robbing a 7-11 just to watch Dog and all of the fringe on his vest come-a-chasin me. I'd also like to fight his sons, just so I can yank that one kid's ponytail and punch him in the face while he tries to get the fire extinguisher can of Mace off of his belt.

Now, let's get to some of the better reality shows...

1. Hell's Kitchen...dude, I love Gordon Ramsey. Actually, I love anyone who belittles, berates, and basically tortures idiots. What makes these people think that their "career" as head chef (bwa-ha-ha) at a children's day camp is going to prepare them for a fine-dining restaurant. Your job consists of cutting up hot dogs to mix in with Kraft Mac-n-Cheese. That's a far cry from Beef Wellington with foie gras, and wild mushroom risotto.

2. Solitary...I don't think many people have seen this one, and that's a shame. 12 people are locked in a tiny "pod", and they are deprived of food, sleep, outside contact, and entertainment, except in small increments. During this time, they are subjected to various "treatments" that range from the banal memorization, to eating their favorite meals (which have all been thrown into a blender), to excruciating physical endurance tests that leave them screaming in pain, until they quit. It's probably just my fascination with watching people suffer, but that is a definite favorite.

Hmmm...I thought for sure there would be more that I enjoyed watching, but as I sit here, thinking about it, I've come to the realization that my enjoyment really comes from torturing myself by sitting through these various forays into retardation.