I'm a HUGE fan of MMA. Wait, scratch that...I'm a huge fan of UFC and Pride. The smaller shows can suck my cock. The caliber of fighters just isn't the same. And yes, I actually speak from experience, having fought in some of the smaller shows. I'm a good fighter, but I'm also creeping up in age...so rather than get my ass kicked by some 18-year old prodigy, I choose to sit on the sidelines and heckle, much the same as any MMA announcer.
I've been watching UFC from the beginning, having seen the original tournaments that put sumo wrestlers in with kung fu stylists, even though the weight differences were astounding. I remember hating Ken Shamrock from the start, and hating Tito Ortiz since before he started going out with Jenna. (not to get sidetracked, but I also remember Jenna looking like a girl, and not like Donald Duck)
I religiously watch The Ultimate Fighter, and it's a little disheartening to see all of these new kids be all fuckin obnoxious and mouthy. As an old-schooler, I have some advice...shut the fuck up. Try to at least be a little humble. If not to show respect, then do it because you'll look like a lot less of an ass when the guy across the ring knocks your fuckin head around with an overhand right that breaks your jaw.
Now we have douchebags like Junie Browning who was stellar in the preliminary rounds of TUF, and then rapidly deteriorated into a drunken retard who threw like 5 punches a round that connected with nothing but oxygen. We have Nate Diaz, who is actually a really talented fighter, but insists on talking and acting like he's from Compton. Seriously, dude...shut your fucking mouth. Matt Hughes, who thought he was invincible, and then managed to get knocked the fuck out like it was his job. Diego Sanchez, who talks shit about everyone, and then got manhandled by Josh Koscheck.
The one shit-talking exception I have is Brock Lesnar, simply because he's an enormous, ridiculous monster. He can say whatever the fuck he wants, and I'll still watch him, simply because he's huge, and mean.
There are some exceptional fighters that are still pretty humble, and respectful of their peers...Forrest Griffin, Randy Couture, George St. Pierre, Rich Franklin, etc, but they are becoming fewer and farther between. It's also noteworthy that these guys have been around for a while, and are a little older.
I'm sure that a lot of the trash-talk and shitty attitudes are meant to bring more drama to TV, but seriously? These guys are supposed to be professionals...not WWE wrestlers with a backstory. Next thing you know, Vince McMahon is going to come into the Octagon and hit Dana White over the head with a folding chair. Are we going to be subjected to ladder matches, and tag teams? I implore Dana White, the Fertitas, and Zuffa to keep MMA what it should rightfully be....MMA
Monday, July 27, 2009
Reality TV is like...SO real...for sure
Everyone has their vices. My vices...comfort food, collecting DVDs, playing Call of Duty, drinking beer, occasionally inhaling, and the abysmal hell of reality TV.
I remember the good old days of Survivor, with the former SEAL, truck-driving man-chick, and naked homo. Who would have thought that that show would open the floodgates to everything morally wrong with TV? No, I'm not even close to getting on a soapbox and preaching morality, since, as you can see from my vices, I'm not exactly a pillar of self-restraint. But, let's delve into some of the shows that I absolutely detest, yet, week after week, I find myself inexplicably drawn to.
1. Any "talent" show where "America" (aka every 12-16 year old with a cell phone and remote control) decides who wins....I'm not gonna lie, I was EC-FUCKING-STATIC when Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol. Not to say that the other kid was phenomenal, but I absolutely loathe Lambert. He's got a fucking girl's haircut! And the only reason why he can hold those high notes for waaaayyyyy too long is because his dad was never man enough to go knock the dick out of his kid's mouth. Anyway...all of those shows are a complete sham, because when you rely on 12 year olds to pick who gets a contract, you are inevitably going to get someone who suh-uh-uh-uh-ucks. And they will never be the most talented one in the group.
2. Any "Of Love" show...I have never seen so many people completely incapable of rational or intelligent thought. I used to work in group homes for the Association for Retarded Citizens, and I'm near-positive that any contestant on the "of Love" shows would have been given a bed in one of the homes with no questions asked. The girls are all vapid, disgusting, vile whores who possess neither the talent, nor the intellect, to make it in polite society. And the guys....holy shit. Who can say "steroids?" You can? Ok, who can say "Illiterate?" Good job. Who can say "4th grade education?"....And inevitably, the contestant I hate most ends up winning.
3. Cribs...have you ever wanted to get REALLY angry in 30 minutes? Well, then I invite you to turn on MTV, and watch some spoiled retard like Aaron Carter, Lil Bow Wow, or a Jonas Brother (I make absolutely no attempt to remember any of their individual names) slide down a fire-pole into their "game room" that has a 2000-inch plasma, sauna and leather movie chairs, before they walk past a fridge full of Cristal, and 3 pink Bentleys in the garage. Meanwhile, I sit on my couch in my apartment, eating pizza rolls and drinking Budweiser, browsing craigslist for non-existent jobs.
4. Dog, The Bounty Hunter...first things first...Duane Chapman, aka Dog, went to prison for manslaughter. Now, he has mobilized his family and half of his trailer-park into an "elite" squad of bounty hunters. Next time I'm in Hawaii, I'm robbing a 7-11 just to watch Dog and all of the fringe on his vest come-a-chasin me. I'd also like to fight his sons, just so I can yank that one kid's ponytail and punch him in the face while he tries to get the fire extinguisher can of Mace off of his belt.
Now, let's get to some of the better reality shows...
1. Hell's Kitchen...dude, I love Gordon Ramsey. Actually, I love anyone who belittles, berates, and basically tortures idiots. What makes these people think that their "career" as head chef (bwa-ha-ha) at a children's day camp is going to prepare them for a fine-dining restaurant. Your job consists of cutting up hot dogs to mix in with Kraft Mac-n-Cheese. That's a far cry from Beef Wellington with foie gras, and wild mushroom risotto.
2. Solitary...I don't think many people have seen this one, and that's a shame. 12 people are locked in a tiny "pod", and they are deprived of food, sleep, outside contact, and entertainment, except in small increments. During this time, they are subjected to various "treatments" that range from the banal memorization, to eating their favorite meals (which have all been thrown into a blender), to excruciating physical endurance tests that leave them screaming in pain, until they quit. It's probably just my fascination with watching people suffer, but that is a definite favorite.
Hmmm...I thought for sure there would be more that I enjoyed watching, but as I sit here, thinking about it, I've come to the realization that my enjoyment really comes from torturing myself by sitting through these various forays into retardation.
I remember the good old days of Survivor, with the former SEAL, truck-driving man-chick, and naked homo. Who would have thought that that show would open the floodgates to everything morally wrong with TV? No, I'm not even close to getting on a soapbox and preaching morality, since, as you can see from my vices, I'm not exactly a pillar of self-restraint. But, let's delve into some of the shows that I absolutely detest, yet, week after week, I find myself inexplicably drawn to.
1. Any "talent" show where "America" (aka every 12-16 year old with a cell phone and remote control) decides who wins....I'm not gonna lie, I was EC-FUCKING-STATIC when Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol. Not to say that the other kid was phenomenal, but I absolutely loathe Lambert. He's got a fucking girl's haircut! And the only reason why he can hold those high notes for waaaayyyyy too long is because his dad was never man enough to go knock the dick out of his kid's mouth. Anyway...all of those shows are a complete sham, because when you rely on 12 year olds to pick who gets a contract, you are inevitably going to get someone who suh-uh-uh-uh-ucks. And they will never be the most talented one in the group.
2. Any "Of Love" show...I have never seen so many people completely incapable of rational or intelligent thought. I used to work in group homes for the Association for Retarded Citizens, and I'm near-positive that any contestant on the "of Love" shows would have been given a bed in one of the homes with no questions asked. The girls are all vapid, disgusting, vile whores who possess neither the talent, nor the intellect, to make it in polite society. And the guys....holy shit. Who can say "steroids?" You can? Ok, who can say "Illiterate?" Good job. Who can say "4th grade education?"....And inevitably, the contestant I hate most ends up winning.
3. Cribs...have you ever wanted to get REALLY angry in 30 minutes? Well, then I invite you to turn on MTV, and watch some spoiled retard like Aaron Carter, Lil Bow Wow, or a Jonas Brother (I make absolutely no attempt to remember any of their individual names) slide down a fire-pole into their "game room" that has a 2000-inch plasma, sauna and leather movie chairs, before they walk past a fridge full of Cristal, and 3 pink Bentleys in the garage. Meanwhile, I sit on my couch in my apartment, eating pizza rolls and drinking Budweiser, browsing craigslist for non-existent jobs.
4. Dog, The Bounty Hunter...first things first...Duane Chapman, aka Dog, went to prison for manslaughter. Now, he has mobilized his family and half of his trailer-park into an "elite" squad of bounty hunters. Next time I'm in Hawaii, I'm robbing a 7-11 just to watch Dog and all of the fringe on his vest come-a-chasin me. I'd also like to fight his sons, just so I can yank that one kid's ponytail and punch him in the face while he tries to get the fire extinguisher can of Mace off of his belt.
Now, let's get to some of the better reality shows...
1. Hell's Kitchen...dude, I love Gordon Ramsey. Actually, I love anyone who belittles, berates, and basically tortures idiots. What makes these people think that their "career" as head chef (bwa-ha-ha) at a children's day camp is going to prepare them for a fine-dining restaurant. Your job consists of cutting up hot dogs to mix in with Kraft Mac-n-Cheese. That's a far cry from Beef Wellington with foie gras, and wild mushroom risotto.
2. Solitary...I don't think many people have seen this one, and that's a shame. 12 people are locked in a tiny "pod", and they are deprived of food, sleep, outside contact, and entertainment, except in small increments. During this time, they are subjected to various "treatments" that range from the banal memorization, to eating their favorite meals (which have all been thrown into a blender), to excruciating physical endurance tests that leave them screaming in pain, until they quit. It's probably just my fascination with watching people suffer, but that is a definite favorite.
Hmmm...I thought for sure there would be more that I enjoyed watching, but as I sit here, thinking about it, I've come to the realization that my enjoyment really comes from torturing myself by sitting through these various forays into retardation.
7 Reasons to Hate Michael Jackson
I found myself wondering how many people have blogged on this exact subject, and then I realized that "hey, I actually don't fucking care." I've purposefully held off on writing anything about Michael Jackson for the sheer fact that so many people in the world have been clogging up Google with various searches, blogs, tributes (I actually don't think I've ever gagged harder), etc.
OK...#1. Sure, I guess you could have called him a talented musician...he even proclaimed himself the "King of Pedophilia....errrr, I mean Pop." Now, when exactly was the last time he released an album?
#2. He was broke, huh? Who honestly believes that? You kind of have to have a little cash lying around if you've got like 30 doctors on your payroll, filling prescriptions for every pill in the known world.
#3. His home...are you completely f-ing serious? I guarantee if your creepy old Uncle Henry with the wandering eye, and the even wandering-er hands bought a ranch, decorated it with the Elephant Man's rotten corpse, ferris wheels, monkeys, and golf carts made to look like the Batmobile, your parents would never have you let you set foot on it. Not to mention that he named it Neverland. Now, in case you lived in a box with no electricity or running water, you'll recognize that name from Peter Pan (the child abductor who never grows up, who also just happens to have his own fairy). Hell, I could go to the West Village and find that exact same guy.
#4. Allegations of child molestation. The next person that says "Well, it's because he's rich and everyone wanted to sue him", I might just punch you directly in the face. NO ONE is prosecuted or accused THAT many times without some semblance of truth to the allegations. Every lie is 80% truth. So, even if people were making it up, I'm pretty certain that MJ "Beat It" all over some 9 year old's back at least 1000 times in his life.
#5. Who the motherfuck does that to their face? Seriously. I don't know what bothers me more...the nose that ceased to be a nose sometime around 1986, or the cleft in the chin. You honestly spent money to make your chin look like John Travolta. (pssssttt....that's not an attractive look)
#6. His kids. Family Services needs to scoop those kids up and run like hell to get them away from anyone with the last name "Jackson"....Janet Jackson, "Rampage" Jackson, Randy Jackson, Action Jackson...
#7. His SuperFans. You people are cuh-ray-zee. I never got why people cried over the deaths of celebrities. Is your life honestly THAT meaningless? Now, I felt bad when Paul Newman, Farrah Fawcett, Walter Cronkite, etc died, but I didn't go hold their picture up in the street, and bawl like a 5-year-old who just dropped his ice cream in a pile of dog shit.
OK...#1. Sure, I guess you could have called him a talented musician...he even proclaimed himself the "King of Pedophilia....errrr, I mean Pop." Now, when exactly was the last time he released an album?
#2. He was broke, huh? Who honestly believes that? You kind of have to have a little cash lying around if you've got like 30 doctors on your payroll, filling prescriptions for every pill in the known world.
#3. His home...are you completely f-ing serious? I guarantee if your creepy old Uncle Henry with the wandering eye, and the even wandering-er hands bought a ranch, decorated it with the Elephant Man's rotten corpse, ferris wheels, monkeys, and golf carts made to look like the Batmobile, your parents would never have you let you set foot on it. Not to mention that he named it Neverland. Now, in case you lived in a box with no electricity or running water, you'll recognize that name from Peter Pan (the child abductor who never grows up, who also just happens to have his own fairy). Hell, I could go to the West Village and find that exact same guy.
#4. Allegations of child molestation. The next person that says "Well, it's because he's rich and everyone wanted to sue him", I might just punch you directly in the face. NO ONE is prosecuted or accused THAT many times without some semblance of truth to the allegations. Every lie is 80% truth. So, even if people were making it up, I'm pretty certain that MJ "Beat It" all over some 9 year old's back at least 1000 times in his life.
#5. Who the motherfuck does that to their face? Seriously. I don't know what bothers me more...the nose that ceased to be a nose sometime around 1986, or the cleft in the chin. You honestly spent money to make your chin look like John Travolta. (pssssttt....that's not an attractive look)
#6. His kids. Family Services needs to scoop those kids up and run like hell to get them away from anyone with the last name "Jackson"....Janet Jackson, "Rampage" Jackson, Randy Jackson, Action Jackson...
#7. His SuperFans. You people are cuh-ray-zee. I never got why people cried over the deaths of celebrities. Is your life honestly THAT meaningless? Now, I felt bad when Paul Newman, Farrah Fawcett, Walter Cronkite, etc died, but I didn't go hold their picture up in the street, and bawl like a 5-year-old who just dropped his ice cream in a pile of dog shit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)